Something about this Christmas just wasn't right. Something was missing....something was strange....something just plain wasn't there! It has left me feeling so very.....ummmmm just....so very.....blah.
I don't like feeling this way. If you have been reading my blog for very long, you'll know that I am a very positive person, and that I always strive to see the sunny side. I work hard to always look for the things that make life GOOD, and just let go of the things that aren't quite right....but this time....I just can't stop hearing the phrase, "is this it?" over and over and over. I hear it.....it repeats....and it is driving me insane.
MAKE.IT.STOP!!!!!
I have been racking my oh so tired brain for a possible reason for this melancholy. It wasn't the presents, as I receive way more than I ever dreamed I would need. It wasn't the food, as I ate entirely more than any full size family could want. It wasn't the Sugar Bear, as she seemed to delight in all that this Christmas Season had to offer. It wasn't the hubby, as he was actually home for Christmas, which in all the years we have been together, it hasn't always been so. That leaves me wondering.....is it me? Am I the problem.....is it ME? Haven't I thrown myself into the season? Haven't I shopped, wrapped, baked, crafted, decorated, and so on? ummmm yes....I certainly have. So tell me....what was missing?
Ah HA! I think I just might have figured it out! I know what was missing....the CHAOS! Yup...I think that is it. The Chaos was missing....and now....NOW I feel like Christmas just isn't Christmas without it. Ummmmmmm yeah.....that is CRAZY!
Here's the deal.....as I age I become less and less and LESS tolerant of chaos, which in my life is defined by noise, lots of people, and juggling of schedules. In the last few years, I have found myself cringing in the corner during family get togethers wishing that I was anywhere....anywhere but there. In fact, last Christmas we were about an hour into the morning when I found myself in my parent's dark bedroom, curled up in fetal position, covering my ears, and chanting, "I want to go home...I want to go home...I want to go HOME!" It wasn't pretty. I vowed right then and there that I would NOT have a repeat of this mess. I would plan a very different Christmas next year.
So it was. For the first time in my entire life, I hosted my in laws at MY house on Christmas eve. I used to go to their house, AND my parent's house. Both houses full of adults and children....feeling merry and bright and LOUD. This year, I got to stay home, and only host my hubby's parents. It was relaxed....calm....and quiet. Sugar Bear had a great time being the center of attention, and didn't have to negotiate for the best toys with her cousins. There was no bickering....and whinning....and crying. You could almost hear the angels sing. By 8pm the in laws left, and Sugar was in bed on time. Hubby and I were even tucked in before 10 PM! Wow! We actually got EXTRA sleep on Christmas eve.
Christmas morning, Sugar awoke at 7:35ish, and was thrilled to see everything under the tree from Santa, mama and daddy were for her. There was no misunderstandings of whose gifts were whose. It was calm, relaxing, and QUIET! ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhh I could just feel the peace...the comfort...and the JOY!
Later in the morning, we traveled to my parent's house to exchange presents and for a nice Christmas dinner. By the time we arrived, my brother and his family were heading off to their next destination, and it was down to just my parents, my grandmother, and later my Aunt. This is VERY different from the past. There used to be at least 15 people for dinner at my parent's house each year. Besides my parents having to take a 15 minute break in the middle of dinner to go get 9 cows off the highway, it was a very relaxing, and QUIET dinner.
It was ALL so great. I had NO stress this year. I had NO anxiety. I didn't run from a room in madness. I most definitely didn't end up in fetal position. So what the heck is wrong with me? Why is it that I just don't feel like Christmas even happened? Seriously, am I so used to all the hustle, bustle and noise, that anything less than that is just NOT Christmas? Please say it isn't so! Please tell me that if I just stick it out for a few more years THIS peaceful, quiet, less hectic Christmas will become the NEW Christmas. Please.....please just tell me that I don't need all that mess to really truly feel the Christmas Spirit! Please.....
Thursday, December 27, 2007
Deep Thoughts.....The Day After Christmas.
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10 Live It or Love It:
Sweet Corey,
Change is frightening. Nature abhors a vacuum. Without something to replace the void the void is most pronounced. Change calls forth a loss too and loss calls forth a grief. Grief is not a bad thing it holds within it the gift of healing. Curled up in a fetal "make it go away" is a very clearly pronounced wound and you dear lady are healing. It is a process.
I now am the elder that is strange, it holds more responsibility. I saw the wound this year in my MIL who was hard to not react too, after thought I see she too is dealing with change, loss and grief. once the matriarch who made the event now she is the guest.
Grief has a process of anger, sorrow , denial and so forth.
Be kind and find a new tradition to do tomorrow.
Your friend.
~D
I know exactly how you feel. My life gets so chaotic that at those rare moments when things are quiet I find myself at a loss at what to do (and perhaps feeling BORED - dear God don't tell my family I said that). You get so conditioned to the chaos that anything less than that feels off. But I am glad you got some peace and quiet during this season because that is really what it is all about. Embrace it. :)
How's the song go? Silent night...
Sounds totally wonderful to me. Start some new traditions with your immediate family. I love Christmas at my own home!
It makes perfect sense to me, Corey. I'm so accustomed to Christmas chaos that if had a peaceful holiday, I probably wouldn't know what to do! You'll just have to get used to not being frantic!
Wow, that sounds fantastic. I'm hoping that this was our last holiday because I don't want to do it without everything you got to have. Holidays aren't worth it without family or children. You're a lucky lady.
Oh Corey, you can have some of my chaos.. just to see if it's really what your missing. You may however have a hard time giving it back to me as I will have changed my address and won't be taking any calls. LOL
I'm so glad your holiday went well, and I hope it's the start of a new holiday tradition for you.
It's strange to read this because I've said a few times that this Christmas was 'nice'. Nothing earth-shatteringly good or bad, just 'nice'. And somehow that just doesn't seem right! I don't know if it's the chaos that I miss though, or just that I was so busy that I felt like I never had the time to really get into the Christmas 'spirit' this year...
I'm glad that everything went well for you guys and that Miss Sugar Bear enjoyed her Christmas! :)
I totally get it. I think part of what makes Christmas so memorable is the nerve-grooving chaos and adrenaline rush that surrounds it. Without it (however nice it may be at the time), it seems like something is missing.
Hmmm... perhaps you should have another beab. ;]
It's so weird but I felt a little of the same this Christmas. We were more organized, less stressed,and it seemed to just fly by.
I'm sure it's just that we're used to madness so don't panic. I'm with Belle. Make this your new tradition and it will soon have it's own specialness in the calm.
I think I understand what you are saying, but it sure is nice to relax and enjoy Christmas without all that stress!
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