Living and Loving Every Minute of It!

Thursday, May 3, 2007

Who benefits from weekends with Grandma and Papa?

Sugar Bear's first night away from Mama was in September of 2006. She was a little over 20 months. It was just one night...but boy was it tough......so very tough.....on ME! :) Kenna had a blast. She loves her Grandma and Papa. They are silly and fun. They spoil her, and give her tons of one on one attention. It was me, that felt like someone cut off my right arm. I didn't have a clue what to do with myself. I managed....but called at least 10 times.
Here we are in May of 2007, and Kenna has spent the night with her grandparents at least 6 or more times now. Once even for four days in a row! We are old pros at it now. I try to call only 3 times a day, and she loves to talk to her mama on the phone. It really melts my heart to hear her excited little voice on the line. We have our own little language and code words. What a sweet way to connect, when there are miles and miles between us.
Tonight Kenna is at Grandma and Papa's again. She will be staying for 3 nights, so I can do some organization, and celebrate National Scrapbook Day on Saturday with 12 hours of non stop scrappin! I sit here missing her greatly. It is so odd to drive home from work and just get out of the truck and walk into the house. There is no one to carry, and squeeze, and ask about their day.......it is strange. There is no one clinging to my legs as I cook dinner. No one to feed....no one to bath...no one to put to bed. Honestly, after all this practice I still don't know what to do with myself when my daughter is not here. It feels so free....but not in an emotional way. I am not sure I have ever craved emotional distance from my daughter. I do, every now and again crave a little bit of physical distance. It is sort of interesting to just be responsible for my body, my feelings, my thoughts again. However, I sit here feeling like I forgot to do something. I always feel like this when my Sugar is away.....like there is something I should be doing.
When I called tonight...I could hardly hold a conversation with my mom, as she was too busy laughing at the things Sugar Bear was doing. I could hear Kenna laughing...and talking. She was playing ball with Papa. Grandma asked her if she'd like to talk to me, and she jumped up and said, "just minute papa, I need talk to mama!" awwwwwwww my polite girl. When she reached the phone she excitedly told me about playing with Papa, and going to see the sick cow! tee hee Clearly she is having such good times.
So the question is....who really benefits from these little nights away? Is it me? I certainly appreciate the freedom to get things done uninterrupted. Oh and the sleeping in.....that is good....REAL good! Is it my daughter? She certainly thrives in the company of her Grandparents. She experiences so much on the farm. Is it Grandma and Papa? The certainly take great pleasure in seeing her growth, and feeling connected to her. They never turn down the opportunity to care for her.
The answer....All of the above. There is just no doubt about it. It is a good thing. We are blessed to have these moments, and every single time we each cash in on the benefits.
Life is good!

Tuesday, May 1, 2007

What is it all about?

As many of you know, I am in no way a neat freak. It is laughable actually. I really don't hold up to the typical Virgo when it comes to organization and order. However, it sure can be a real struggle for me to whip out a really messy craft. Maybe it is the dreaded clean up that has me so apprehensive????

I find it pretty surprising that a former preschool teacher, like myself, hadn't yet given my nearly 2.5 year old child the opportunity to bust out her inner artist with a medium such as finger paints. I had to just quiet my inner lazy cleaner-upper, and let her at it!

First I set her up with an old t-shirt, to make sure those darn washable finger paints didn't touch her clothes. There is nothing I hate more than a pesky stain on her clothes. Then I got her a nice big piece of freezer paper, and set it out on the deck. I had decided that outside was the best environment to induce creativity!

Sugar Bear was looking at me like I was nuts! It took her a little while to understand that I was letting her make a mess, but when she got it....she got it. It was then my turn to "get it!" I had a few hard moments when all she wanted to do was rub the paint between her hands. I kept telling her, "Rub the paint on the paper, honey!" and she just kept smiling and rubbing her hands together joyfully. I found myself thinking....jeez....we could have just done this with lotion or something....at least something less expensive. Yes, I am a cheap-o-holic also.

I am not sure how long I looked on thinking, "this isn't what I expected!" until I started to really pay attention to what my daughter was actually doing. Sugar Bear was engrossed, she was immersed, she was intrigued by the process. How could I forget this one simple thing????? It is more about the process than the product. Watching the process is amazing.....to see the mind working, to feel the heart filling. That is what it is all about. May I never forget this!

Now I can't say, that in the end, I wasn't pretty impressed with the product. Honestly, this kid is the next big thing! Look at the masterpiece! :)

You might be wondering about the clean up.....yeah, you try getting a paint covered two year old through the house and into the bathtub without her touching anything. Let's just say, I hid the paints for awhile. We don't need those darn things tempting us! :)

Peace of Mind!

Don’t you love it when you can justify yourself? Doesn’t it feel good when you can prove yourself right or at least convince yourself that you are?

Last night shortly before dinner, I asked Sugar Bear if she would like to head down our driveway to get the mail with me. Often she tells me, “no thanks!” but tonight she excitedly agreed. Half way down, she stopped to pick up a stick, happily announcing, “I play in mud,mama!” I smiled remembering our last trip to the mailbox, when there was a nice big mud puddle near it. I replied, “oh honey, I am not sure there is mud down there anymore!” Sugar Bear just smiled and trotted down to where is used to be. She was a tad disappointed.

I was getting our mail out of our box when Sugar Bear announced that she was going to “go find mud!” Off she headed down our gravel road where we live. I put the mail back in the box and followed her. First we reached our neighbors driveway, where a huge puddle had been not long ago…it was dry. Then we kept going to the very end. I so hoped we would find a puddle, as Sugar Bear was VERY sure we would. As we rounded the bend, whew…I spied a small puddle. Sugar Bear was overjoyed! We spent the next 15 minutes or so finding rocks to throw into it. She also finds great joy in whacking it with her stick. Soon we were both covered in small drops of muddy water. Oh the fun! Somehow, I managed to convince her that we needed to head back to the house to make spaghetti.

As we wandered back, I realized that this little trip was the first time I had ever been on a walk without my camera. If you know me at all, you know that my camera is generally attached to my hand. There has been a tiny little voice in my head for quite sometime wondering if I was spending too much of my daughter’s childhood behind the lens. I worried that I wasn’t fully experiencing her life. I worried that I wasn’t really interacting with her, and that she wasn’t truly engaging with me, as I furiously pressed the shutter . This little voice has been nagging me…nagging me……but I hushed it up because I adore the whole photography process.

Last night as we walked hand in hand, I realized that our little walk didn’t feel any different than all the ones before. I realized that neither Sugar Bear nor I seemed to feel any more joyous. I realized that our interaction had not been any different. We were connected as we always are. That little voice has been quieted. I now feel confident that as I document my daughter’s life, I am still very connected, and very much a part of those moments. The best part is….I don’t have to rely on my ever decreasing memory to recall those special moments. I love it when I am justified!

Since I didn't take my camera last night...you'll just have to enjoy some pictures from a walk we had a few months ago. :)