Saturday, June 2, 2007

Breaking Up Is Hard To Do!

Breaking up....."it's not YOU, it's ME!".....ugh......so hard to do! In my life I have broken many hearts. Well, as long as you count 4 hearts as many. In my opinion, hurting even one heart is more than I ever wanted, but could I help it if I was a freak magnet? tee hee Just kidding. All four hearts belonged to wonderful young men that were just unlucky enough to surrender their hearts to a young girl who didn't really know what she was doing. In my defense, I was 16 the last time I broke a heart. I think being that I am 32 now, I am doing really well.

This all leads us to my current situation. I am needing to muscle up all my nerve and break up.....break up with whom you may ask? Some of you might be a little confused or worried. Relax! It is my daughters babysitter. You read it right. I need to break up with Sugar Bear's sitter, Shannon. After much soul searching, and restless nights, as we all know I worry a bit, I have decided to enroll her in a home daycare/preschool in the fall when I go back to work. All this means that I have the unfortunate job of telling her sitter that we no longer need her services. UGH....I am really not good with such matters.

Shannon has been watching my Sugar since January of 06. She is a friend of a friend, who used to have an in-home daycare when she lived in a different city. She started watching Sugar Bear more out of a need to "help out" than to start up her business again. Leaving my daughter while I worked was incredibly difficult for me, and I have to say that I don't think I have always been very easy to please. I literally typed up a 3 page explanation of how I wanted my daughter to be taken care of. I had rules, and requests, and I was very clear about what was negotiable, and what wasn't. I think Shannon got her first real shock when on day 4 I brought her a small plastic bead in a baggie, and asked her if she recognized it. Yup...my daughter had pooped it out. I washed it off, and took it to the sitter the next morning. I figured what better way to make the point that she needed to be more vigilant about small items than to hand her that bead? It worked. From that day forward Sugar Bear's poops were shiny object free.

I am a carseat nazi, choke hazard freak, over protective mom. I am certain that Shannon had no idea what she got herself into for a mere $20 a day. I am quite sure that you couldn't pay me enough to put up with a mom like myself. However, all in all things haven't been that bad, but they haven't been ideal either. No one can raise my daughter they way I would. No one will say the things I say, nor do the exact things I do. Not one care provider will ever be me, but I strive to find a situation where the caregiver parallels my basic philosophy in parenting.

This leads us to the home day-care/preschool, that I am moving Sugar Bear to. I have been on the list for this place since I was 4 months pregnant. I am thrill that there is finally an opening for my girl. I am excited about the new possibilities. The new caregiver, Lorrene, is an amazing woman. I have known her for 4 years through a good friend of mine. I have met her several times, and interviewed her 2 times by phone, and twice in person. Each time, I marveled at how she modeled the very philosophy I follow. It was like I knew what she was going to say before she said it. I knew what she would do before she did it. My observations of her interactions with the children in her care were as close to my own style as I have seen. This makes me very, very happy! I am excited for the change this fall.

The only thing holding my excitement back is the need to break up with Shannon. Today was Sugar Bear's last day.....but Shannon did not know it. I know, I know....I should have told her, but I just couldn't. She knows that she isn't watching Sugar over the summer, but I haven't told her that we aren't coming back. I will admit there are a ton of reasons I haven't done it yet, but if I am totally honest, it is mostly because I am nervous. I hate the whole, "it isn't you...it's me" thing. The simple truth is that is it 90% her. She will know it because I am a horrible liar. I just don't want to hurt her feelings or burn a bridge. She is a wonderful person and lovely mother. We just have VERY different parenting styles. As my daughter ages, and is starting to exert more independence, I can not ignore our vastly different discipline techniques. I know in my heart none of this has to be said, but I worry that she will want to know why...why am I choosing a new provider. I is silly to think that I will break her heart. Actually I think she might be a tad relieved, but I just don't do confrontation well.

I could go on and on and on about this....I have been stressing over this for months. I set up a day at the park with her and her kids in 2 weeks. I plan on telling her then. I will do it! I will find the strength. I will let go of the worry. It will be fine. She'll be relieved. We'll laugh...and there will be no confrontation, right? Just tell me....why is breaking up so hard to do?

ETA: This post has caused much controversy. Please read the comments, as I have clarified some misunderstandings. I am sorry if this post presented me as an inconsiderate person. In fact, it is my sense of responsibility and kindheartedness that has made this so difficult for me. Please take the time to read my explanation in the comments section if this post has left a bad taste in your mouth. Thank you!

23 Live It or Love It:

Helen said...
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Corey~living and loving said...
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Helen said...

Well it sounds like then she is burnt out from taking care of kids and this will be the best thing for her. Perhaps she won't ask what you didn't like. That would be okay and then you could just focus on the positives which is better for all in the long run. Good luck.

Corey~living and loving said...

Thank Helen. I agree that she is burnt out. I am sad for her, as taking on the foster kids was her husbands idea, but he doesn't help at all with the kids. They also have 3 of thier own. She has not been the same person since they have come into her home. I talked with her briefly about that recent, and she was surprised that I noticed her saddness. :(
Thanks for support Helen. I didn't mean to argue about it. I really do appreciate your perspective. :)

Helen said...
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Kate said...
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Corey~living and loving said...
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Amanda said...

Hugs, Corey. I know this is a difficult situation to be in, but I have to agree that you are doing right by your daughter.

Jenfadder said...

Good luck Corey, I hope she takes it well! sounds like she will be relieved though.

Lori- Fairytales & Margaritas said...

Corey- All of us that "know" you know what your post was about and know that you are nothing other than a super considerate person.

Laura said...
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Karen said...

I must admit, I agree with Helen. there is NO REASON she needs to know, at this point, the whole extent of your unhappiness with the sitaution. You have been waiting for this other spot for a LONG time, and I am sure, even if it were a sitter with whom you had an excellent rapport, that you would still want your daughter in the new program. I would try to spare her feelings as much as possible. It is not necessary to hurt her more with information that isn't really relevant to your decision.

Buy her a nice thank you gift, and write her a nice note along with it. Focus on the positive. Now is not the time to dwell on the negative. If you approach this with that kind of attitude, she will, too. I suspect she already knows your feelings on several issues, and would not take the time to heap more criticism on herself, especially if her life is changing right now.

So be upbeat and positive, and be sure in the fact that you are making the right decision not only for your daughter, but for her sitter, as well.

(((((hugs)))))

Megan@SortaCrunchy said...

I know there are many factors that have gone into this decision for you, Corey. You are one of the most introspective people I know! So I know this is something you have been struggling with. It sounds like you have listened carefully to the input of others but are also willing to stay true to what you know should happen - given ALL the circumstances that not everyone else is privy to.

CamiKaos said...
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Autumn said...
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Corey~living and loving said...

Helen said...
Well speaking as a dayhome operator myself, you really do need to phone her and tell her. I have to be honest here......one time I was babysitting these three little boys (two different moms). I thought it was going quite well and I really liked these boys. They seemed to fit in here. Well anyways, these two moms (friends) decided over the summer they didn't want me to watch their kids anymore because they felt I wasn't offering what they required. Not sure what that meant considering I bought all kinds of educational things, I had lots of playtime for them, etc, etc. So my point being, they didn't phone me until a week before school was to start again. I had gone the entire summer thinking I would have them and the income it brought. I had purchased more play items such as toys, playdough, etc. Then they hit me with that at the last moment. I was heartbroken and very pissed off so I wrote them each a letter expressing my disappointment. Needless to say, everytime I see either of them its very uncomfortable. So my advice is to let her know ASAP and please don't tell her it's because you weren't entirely happy with the way she looked after Sugar. Just tell her that you have had her on this list since pregnancy and the spot became available. It sounds like she did a pretty good job up to date of taking care of Sugar so I think that's really all that needs to be said. No one can ever take care of our children like we, their moms, so if this decision is what you feel is best for Sugar in your heart then that is just wonderful. Again, tell her soon please so that she doesn't harbor hurt feelings because I've been in her place and I know. Many hugs.

June 2, 2007 12:39 PM

Corey~living and loving said...

Corey~living and loving said...
Thank you for sharing your thoughts with me Helen. Please know that I have most definately considered her feelings in this, and her time. I want very much to continue a friendship with her. I am not taking it lightly. She seemed more than relieved when I confirmed she wouldn't have Sugar over the summer, so I am doubting she will be wanting to replace her over the summer, if not ever. Her family took on two foster kids for possible adoption this last fall, and she has been one stressed out woman. I know it isn't my place to say, but honestly she shouldn't take on another child to replace Sugar. She is unhappy, and as a mandatory reporter, I have been on the verge of reporting emotional abuse of the foster kids for months.
I really don't want to get into all the messy details, but after MUCH thought and discussion with our mutual friend I do feel that waiting to tell her in 11 days is the best choice.
I do appreciate very much your perspective Helen. I know you took your dayhome very seriously and provided wonderful care for those children. I remember your hurt when their mom's pulled them suddenly. I promise you, that I would never intend to do that to someone.
I also intend to keep it as straight forward as possible, but if she straight out asks me if there was anything I didn't like, I will struggle. I suck at lying and she will know it. We have talked several times in the past 1.5 years though about things that bothered me, so she knows that I have issues regarding some of her parenting styles, and have requested her NOT to use them on Sugar.
anyhooooo....long story short....Thank you for the time you took on this post. :)
much respect to you!

June 2, 2007 2:09 PM

Corey~living and loving said...

Helen said...
Oh Corey, I never took you to be arguing at all. I was just suggesting to tell her soon in case she was relying on your income for next year. Sadly that is what happened to me. We got a huge home equity loan out to do house reno's and I thought I was going to be making good money to help contribute to paying towards it. I guess part of my bitterness was that I wasn't able to do that anymore. I had a good cry and my husband, bless his heart, said it would be fine and we would figure things out, which we have. It turned out to be a blessing in diguise for me, being able to spend more quality time with Skylar this past year. I'm sure she will recover and find peace with it for sure. Bless you for doing the right thing for Sugar. I see way too many parents that don't consider their own child's needs to save a buck here and there. Very sad. :(

June 2, 2007 9:51 PM

Corey~living and loving said...

Kate said...
I don't think you need to explain why, but I think you have to tell and two weeks notice would have been the polite way to do it. It's really, really important not to break and babysitter's heart.

Even if it is only $20 a day (which is so cheap for such a flexible and considerate woman, I can't stand it), this is someone's income and your babysitting money might be groceries to that family. There is no way for you to know.

A day care philosophy might match your own, but that does not mean it will match your daughter's personality. Theory is not practice.

Sugar may be begging to go back to Sharron's after a week. And you might come to understand why.

I've been there and I've been there a lot. I hope the new day care works out for your daughter.

Corey~living and loving said...

Corey~living and loving said...
Kate I also appreciate your perspective.
I am in fact giving Shannon MORE than 2 weeks notice. She isn't expecting Makenna back until September. I always have summers off.
I am really sorry that this post is causing so much confusion.
I didn't want to get into all the ins and outs of my situation. I just wanted to express my touble with confrontation.
I am 100% sure that Sugar will not be begging to go back. There will be the same amount of children, and she will be getting organized activities, tenderness, understanding, and NO yelling!
If you ask me, 4 hour time outs....are NOT okay. This hasn't happened to my daughter, but you can be darn sure I am not letting that happen. I can not say the same for the foster children in her care. HOw is that for a considerate person???? How can you assume that the sitter in this situation is the flexible considerate one???? I am so confused by this. I have spent considerable time with the new caregiver and I am shocked that you would assume that I wouldn't consider my daughters personality and such in my decision. :(
Kate, it hurts me that you visited my blog and immediately judged me, my ethics, my decision, and basically said I am not paying her enough. That is the going rate where I live.
I do thank you for your time, but I wish you had been more considerate of my feelings.

June 3, 2007 10:49 AM

Corey~living and loving said...

Laura said...
Hugs, Corey! It's hard to end something with anyone you've had any sort of relationship with. But it sounds like you're making the right decision, and that you, Sugar and Shannon too will all be happier in the end. :)

June 3, 2007 1:00 PM

Corey~living and loving said...

CamiKaos said...
You said early on in the post that you had been on a waiting list for this preschool/daycare since you were 4 months pregnant (I hope I am remembering that right). Why not focus on that aspect of it. Not what she is doing wrong but that since you were pregnant that preschool spot is what you have wanted for Sugar.

June 3, 2007 7:06 PM

Corey~living and loving said...

Autumn said...
First off, BIG (((HUGS))). I KNOW how hard this is for you. I know you are taking this very seriously and don't want to hurt anyone. You will be considerate and kind while also doing what is best for Sugar.
And that.. is what really matters.
Good luck with your talk.

June 4, 2007 9:23 AM

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