Tuesday, July 24, 2007

Dear Mother...Thanks Mother!

Once again I am participating in a group writing project hosted by Mamablogga. Be sure to check out all the great entries. :) The theme this month is: "Thanks, Mom." After learning of this theme, I sat here stumped. I wasn't instantly inspired like I have been with the last two projects. In fact I nearly decided to just let this one go by. However, tonight, the need to put something together crept up on me, and I am glad it did. Writing things like this help me process, and sometimes helps me grow as a person. This turned out very rambly (yes I made that word up). Sometimes, I find...it is through the rambling that I learn the most. However, I am not certain this will mean anything to anyone else.

Dear Mother,
As far back as I can remember, I can not pin point a single moment that stands out in our relationship. I have no horror stories of a mother that just never understood me. I have no heart wrenching thoughts of a mother that hurt me. I have no stories....me...no stories. Everyone knows that I am a story teller, yet when I think back on my life I have no stories about my mom and I. Isn't that strange? Nothing stands out.....NOTHING.

You have always been there, so I have no memories of your absence. You were a wonderful caregiver, so I have no stories of being deprived. I don't recall your anger, your frustration, or your discipline. However, I also don't recall your happiness, your affection, or encouragement. Don't get me wrong. I know you loved me, and wanted the best for me. The crazy thing is....I don't remember your showing it, nor my missing it. It is as if you were so very there....that I don't really remember anything at all.

As a grandparent, you are adoring. I don't remember you adoring me. As a grandparent you are very affectionate. I don't recall your snuggling, nor hugging me. As a grandparent, you are encouraging. I hardly remember your support. However, I don't remember your despising me. I don't recall you pushing me away. I don't remember your discouragement. When I think back on my life, I just don't feel anything. It is a puzzlement to me. Why is there such a lack of emotion in my memories of you?

I am grateful that my childhood was so blessed without tragedy, hurt, and abuse. I am grateful that as an adult we have a friendly and easy relationship. I have so much thanks for this. I am just so very confused by my lack of a definitive description of our relationship as I grew up. If asked, "did your mother love you as a child?" I would most definitely answer with a yes, but if I was asked, "how did you know?", I would be stumped. I just knew, but I don't recall needing to know. Does that make sense? I don't recall hugs and kisses, nor hearing the words "I love you!", but I also don't recall missing it. Isn't that strange.

May my words not hurt you, my mother. I am not saying you did anything wrong. I am just exploring how it can be that as I look back, I see and feel nothing, when at present I see and feel so much. Is it possible that my childhood was so middle of the road, with no great pains, yet no great joys, that I can not pinpoint a single moment that defines our emotion? Were you such a constant, even keel in my life, that nothing at all stands out?

I feel as if I am rambling...and I can't find an end to this thought process I am on. It seems there is no conclusion....there is no ending. Much like my memories of my childhood, there just isn't anything that stands out to define my relationship with you, my mother. Now as an adult this makes me sad. As a mother myself, I yearn to have a delightful and amazing relationship with my daughter. I sit here and wonder if you felt the same. Someday, will Sugar Bear look back and not have a story about me? Will our relationship be forgetful, or non-descript. I know that you never intended ours to be, so can it happen beyond my control? I pray this isn't so.

I thank you mother for being who you are today. You are constant. You are helpful. You are there...so very there. You are an amazing Grandparent, and I know my daughter is as blessed to have you as am I. I thank you for raising me up in such a way that has led me to strive to be a good mom. You have always been a good mom. Of this I have no doubt. I just struggle with the disconnect I feel to our relationship as a young child and her mother. I struggle understanding it all. I am grateful that I don't doubt who you are now. Thank you!

10 Live It or Love It:

Laura said...

Corey, that was such an honest post! I think it's all too easy to craft feelings and memories, whether consciously or subconsciously, rather than just admitting that we just...don't quite know what could be said. I think if I honestly reflected on my childhood I would come out much the same as where you are.

Autumn said...

Corey, I think your post was a compliment to your mom. I remember my mother being snuggly and loving... but I also remember hard feelings and coldness from her. What would I prefer? I would prefer that she had been constant like your mother. Not scattered and inconsistent and unavailable like mine.
I struggle with my mother. I wish it was easy. Remember that when you worry that Makenna will feel that way about you.
I'm sure she will gladly remember a constant easy relationship with her mommy. Maybe one filled with more affection though :)

Donetta said...

Some things are Holy. Birth order can also play a role. What her life was when parenting you was a factor too. Perhaps she felt nothing and expressed the numbness she might have known. Wounds in our hearts can do strange things to our relationships.
Thank you for you sweetness. Remember You are hot her, Your life is not hers. Your choices will define your relationship with your child.

Jordan (MamaBlogga) said...

What a wonderful and honest post. I could have written much of it myself!

Thanks for participating!

Lynnae (From Under the Clutter) said...

Thank you for sharing your heart!

Robin said...

That made me cry. Thank you for sharing it.

Lori- Fairytales & Margaritas said...

How wonderfully honest. I, too, am struggling with this project.

SortaCrunchy said...

Wow, Corey! This really blew me away. Knowing how much you and Kenna interact with your parents . . . well, I would have expected something different. Thank you so much for being so incredibly transparent in sharing this.

summershine said...

Thanks for sharing your thought about your mother.

southerngirlmusings said...

Awesome post and thanks for truly sharing your heart.

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