We Are In This TOGETHER!

When I think of parenting, I try to remember that it isn't an "Us (parents) VS. Them (children) battle. We are in this together. We have a common goal my child and I. We want to grow older, day-by-day, learning more about each other, and those we love. We want to nourish our bodies, and minds. We want to be successful in our pursuits, celebrate our accomplishments together, and learn from our mistakes. I want to lead my young child into the world knowing that I gave her as much of myself as possible, and she'll leave me with the memories of unconditional love, and admiration. We have so much to give each other along the way. It isn't about surviving her childhood. It is about LIVING and LOVING.

Recently, I wrote a post touching on my parenting style, and why I choose to parent that way. There was fear in publishing that post, but in the end, I remembered that this is MY place to be just who I am, so I posted it. On a whole it turned out to be a blessing. I connected deeply with some of the readers, and actually lured out some lurkers (HI!). I did lose a few readers in the process, but that's okay. Some of the comments, and posts inspired by mine, opened up a topic that I think touches us all.

I don't know about YOU, but I am human. Yes.... yes, I am. Being HUMAN, means that I have needs, wants, and emotions. Sometimes these three things don't mesh. In fact, they collide. It is quite apparent that we have basic needs. Food, Water, shelter.... and SLEEP! What parent doesn't need sleep? Most of us need a good deal MORE sleep than we are currently getting. As a parent, our needs quickly become SECOND to that of the child. This is a natural process that ensures your child's basic needs are met, however, it can backfire. When my NEEDS are not getting met, I get....ummmmm...let's just say GROUCHY... with a capital G! If I am over tired, or under fed, my mood gets to be quite unpleasant. I lose patience.... and I am more likely to be short tempered. If you find this NOT to be true of yourself.... you are one lucky Human.

There are many other things that can turn our otherwise "happy go lucky" selves into Cranky McCrankersons. Maybe it is a bad day at work, PMS, a fallout with a friend or family member, or a day when just nothing seems to go right. You know those days...the one where you drop everything you pick up, you hit all the red lights, and you lock yourself out of the car. Yes.... those days.... aren’t they enough to just send you over the edge? UGH!

I find that knowing and understanding that the human characteristics that I just described not only applies to myself as the parent, but also to my child, helps ME be a better caregiver. Being aware that emotion is something so very complex, and so quickly turned helps me decide exactly how I will respond to my Sugar Bear. At all times, I need to be constantly aware of where we both stand on getting our needs met, and how THAT is affecting our moods. You see.... the common problem I have read by parents lamenting their parenting mistakes, or guilt, is based on the fact that the parent is NOT getting their needs met. A tired parent is usually NOT being the type of parent they want to be. The tired parent has a much harder time controlling their emotions.

It is clear to me that the deeper question is.... how do we ensure that we don't let our emotions get in the way of parenting the way we want to parent? I have had this conversation with a few of my closest friends. My advice has always been to strive to parent based on REASON, not EMOTION. Do what your brain says is right, NOT what your hair-trigger mood is telling you to do. You might be getting ready to reach through this screen and strangle me at this moment, but hang in there...I promise I have a point.

I feel that step one in all this goes back to my original post, and doing some thinking about what type of parent you want to be and WHY. We all need not parent the same way. I am not saying MY way is the right way. I am saying that you need to know what is in your heart, and decided to parent in that fashion. Once we know WHY.... we need to make a plan in HOW to follow through with it...and not just in the good times.... but also in the bad. This includes the times when either yours or your child's needs aren't being met, and the crankies are taking over. You need to have a plan as to how to get both you and your child through that moment without sacrificing your parenting beliefs.

One of the key steps is making a conscience effort to stay in tuned to both yours and your child's emotions. When things start going wrong, and you feel that urge to "freak out".... STOP...take a look around.... find the root of the problem. "Is it me???? Or them?" Figure out if everyone's basic needs are met. If not.... set to immediately solving that issue. My friend Lis Garrett wrote some really nice posts about tantrums, and how to prevent them. She addresses the issue of tuning into your child's needs well. I'd like to discuss when you notice the problem doesn't lie with your child.... it is indeed YOU!

Just this evening...Sugar was really starting to get on my nerves. It seemed she was using every excuse in the book to prolong her bedtime routine. I found myself getting aggravated at her. BEFORE I opened my mouth, I did some reassessing. I found that I had a sore throat, PMS and everything that goes with that, and a severe lack of sleep recently. Sugar on the other hand, was simply enjoying her nighttime snuggles, and reading with her mama. She was NOT doing anything inappropriate. She was doing something she does on a regular basis, and usually it doesn't bother me. Tonight, however, I was not in the mood for her to count the "apples up on top" on each and every page of the book. Had I not done the "STOP and find the root of the problem", I easily could have said, rather loudly, "Oh for crying out loud Sugar! Do you have to count each one! ARGHHHHH!!!" All this would have done is hurt her feelings, and made me feel guilty later. Instead, I said, "Sugar, Mama just isn't feeling so good. As much as I love listening to you count, can we not do that tonight...Please.....?" She smiled up at me and said, "poor mama! You sick, huh?" This conversation not only stopped the endless counting, it was a teachable moment about empathy for others. If Sugar had insisted on counting some more, I would have stuck to my original request, and said, "If you can not stop counting the apples on each page, mama will be done reading tonight. I'm sorry, but we can count the apples tomorrow, okay?"

Now I know that may seem like a silly example, but I wanted to use something fresh in my mind. I simply acknowledged how I was feeling, addressed her feelings as well, and used a technique to sway her in the right direction. It simply was not her fault that I wasn't feeling well. If I had been grouchy towards her, what message is that sending? Am I accepting of her doing the same to me, and others? Is it okay to be mean, nasty or something we don't want to be just because we are sick, tired.... (You fill in the blank)? As in my last post, I always like to put it in an adult perspective. If on my job, my boss came in my office to find me doing something quite typical for me to do on the job, but due to her being in a foul mood, she yelled at me, and proceeded to punish me for doing it. Even if I knew she was in a really bad mood, it wouldn't feel any less humiliating, and I certainly wouldn't feel all that much better about it if and when she came to apologize to me stating that she was just tired, and didn't really mean to yell at me.

Often, as parents we find ourselves yelling or lashing out in frustration towards our children. Through the guilt, we blame it on being tired, and emotionally wrecked. Although it is a valid reason for feeling the desire to lose control.... is it really a valid reason for doing it...especially if we are doing it over and over. Do we want to live our lives doing things that go against our own desires just because our basic needs aren't being met, and we struggle to control our emotions? It is a deep thought, huh? Are we truly prisoners to our emotions?

As parent's it should be our number one concern to raise our children in the fashion we see fit, not in the fashion our present emotional state allows. Please know I am not saying that we all must be perfect all the time.... no matter what. What I am saying, is that by focusing of our own wants, needs, and emotions it will help us be aware of our triggers, and the things that push us away from who we want to be. Knowing this.... and honoring this.... will help us work together with our children to reach our common goal. Showing your children that you validate emotions both positive and negative, will help them discover theirs, and empathize with others. Letting your child help you out of a "bad spot" will give them a sense of understanding. When all heck is breaking loose, and you just want to run screaming into the room, and send everyone to their corners, maybe if you simply got their attention and explained how you feel like you may explode, and ask them how they might help you feel better, you'd all learn something from each other.

It is time to start working on US. If WE are chronically tired, and this is feeding into the emotional roller coaster WE are on...we must find a way to address that. I know it isn't easy, but the alternative is finding ourselves many years down the line full of excuses, and a pile of guilt. WE deserve to have our basic needs met, and if we can't do it for ourselves.... we need to do it for our children.

Thank you for letting me share my thoughts on this extremely touchy subject. This writing is based on my personal desire to be the best parent I can be, and my understanding that many of you feel the same way. It isn't about lamenting the past, or dwelling on mistakes. It is about cherishing the future enough to take control of today.If you are still with me...I'll soon be discussing ideas of how to take YOUR emotion out of the discipline process. You won't want to miss it. wink wink..... Now go have a potty break...I'm sure you'll need it.