There are days when I feel the weight of the world crushing down on me. I sit at my desk feeling like no matter how hard I try I will always find myself having to say, "I'm sorry....I don't know." or "I'm sorry....I don't have that done for you." or simply, "I'm so very sorry." I hang my head in defeat, or quite literally lay my weary head on my desk, and just wait for the feeling of inadequacy to pass.
It's days like that when I wonder what the heck I'm even doing......and why I continue to do it. One thing I know for sure.....I'm not the only one that feels like that....so there is some comfort in knowing I'm not alone. Misery loves company, right? If I'm gonna feel like a failure at work....I might as well own up to it, and just accept all it's painful gifts.
It hasn't always been like this......and it is my hope that the last two years will soon be a distant memory that I can look back on and laugh. It is my dream, that it will all be worth it in the end. These months and months of struggle, frustration, and moments of complete and utter lack of control will give me personal growth.
On one of those more difficult days, recently, I found myself searching out a peaceful setting to recenter myself before gathering my dearest Sugar Bear from daycare. I don't like to let the pressure of my day affect my ability to attend to the important relationships in my life.
Sitting in my truck overlooking the slough, through the tall weeds lining it's banks, I came to a sudden and quite freeing realization. While I can not entirely control my daily environment, I can refuse to let it change who I am. I hate to admit that this hasn't been the case up until now. I have let the stress build a cozy little home in my body, and affect some of my more admirable personality traits.
It's time for me to look this beast in the eye and take some of the power back. I'm not naive enough to believe that the source of my great aggravation will be changing entirely for a long, long while, but baby steps are happening, and I need to grab ahold of those small glimpses of hope, and look to the future.
I need to change the things that are within my control, and accept that the other stuff will eventually work itself out. I can either continue to feel defeated......or choose to take this challenge one day at a time and believe....BELIEVE......BELIEVE that I am not alone......
and I am NOT my job!
Adversity is like a strong wind. It tears away from us all but the things that cannot be torn, so that we see ourselves as we really are. ~Arthur Golden, Memoirs of a Geisha