Tuesday, January 8, 2008

M is for......Mama!

I don't think it will come as a surprise to hear that I consider myself very much "The Mama!'" I understand many women's desires to be someone other than just "The Mama", but for me, there is just nothing else I'd rather be....in this moment....in this precious, precious moment. I have no idea how long, I am meant to be on this here earth, but I consider my life successful, because I made a difference in the life of a child.....MY CHILD.

Just this evening, I was holding my Sugar Bear close as she slept. Usually, as soon as she is asleep, I gently tuck her in her bed, and slip away, so that I can have some "me time." Tonight was an exception. You see, she had missed her nap, and invariably she fell asleep on the couch much too early. it was 4:30 to be exact. I decided to let her sleep for about 45 minutes and wake her, so that it wouldn't mess with bedtime.

I sat at my computer, some 10 feet away, constantly glancing at the perfect person quietly breathing on my couch. I admired her face, hair, and hands. I absorbed her peaceful aura, and wished I didn' t have to wake her. When the time came, I went to her and started stroking her face and hair. I whispered "Sugar.....Sugar Bear......wake up." She slowly moved her face from side to side....but continued to sleep. I gently lifted her onto my lap, and held her close. She sighed....and snuggled in. I figured.....I might as well let her sleep a little longer, as I silently justified holding this sleeping angel.

As we sat there, the thoughts.....and feelings began to overwhelm me. Much to my surprise I began to cry. This child of mine....so perfect in every way. How on earth did I get so blessed? The tears came quickly, and I found myself pulling her so tight, she moaned in her sleep, and moved to a more comfortable position. My mind raced.....

-Three years.....where have they gone?
-Will the next three years go so quickly?
-I never knew there could be a love like this.
-Our relationship is so genuine and true. I can count on it.
-I am so worried.....
-Will she soon be too "big" to hold when she sleeps?
-When will she stop wanting me to hold her?
-When will she no longer look to me for everything?
-I know people say it only gets better, but does it?
-My own relationship with my mom is not like this...how can it be?
-My relationship with Sugar will never again be like it was when she was a baby....and soon not even like it is now.
-The dynamic simply changes as she ages....I don't want it to change!
-I'm scared.

And on....and on....it went. I thought of my own attitude towards my own mother. You see...I have a fairly normal relationship with my mom. I see her often. We speak on the phone at least 5 days a week. I love her......but I don't need her, like Sugar needs me. Of course...I mean that would be weird, right? How does a mama let that go? How can I look to the future knowing that someday....and it will happen.....Sugar will no longer be my little love bug. She will have a mind of her own, and she will make choices....and many of those will not have anything to do with me. I know I sound selfish, but I don't want to give up what we have now. To me...it feels perfect. Is it wrong of me, to not want it to change? I often say that if I could push pause on my little Sugar I would. I'd keep her just the way she is right now......forever.

This past Christmas, I found myself having to tell my own mother that I would not be seeing her on Christmas Eve, nor spending the night, like I have for so many years. I would be seeing her on Christmas Day, but I just wanted to start my own family traditions for my little Sugar. I knew that my mom was going to be disappointed, and my attitude was, "Geezzzz what does she expect? I mean, it isn't like I never see her. She just needs to get a grip." ( I know...I know...shame on me)

Tonight, I have a different perspective. Tears stream down my face at the thought of Sugar choosing to not see me.... or to do something without me. My imagination drifted to a day when I am older, and Sugar is on her own. I saw myself having to hope and wish that she will choose to come see me. WOW...how does a mama survive that? How do you go from being a child's EVERYTHING, to their SOMETIMES, and only when it is CONVENIENT? Holy cow, people! That is so scary to me. Scary, and depressing. Sigh....

So for tonight, I held her....I let her sleep, so that I could cherish this moment of closeness. I didn't worry about bedtime, and whether she would be off her schedule. I just lived in that moment, for I know...it is fleeting. I don't want to ever regret missing something so beautiful. I pushed away my worries....and just lived....and loved!

*** oh and don't forget I'm on Top Momma!


CLICK HERE!!!!! You know you want to. Click it a few times in fact. I get a referral each time you click the link, and a click each time you click on Sugar's sweet photo. Isn't that fun? I can't think of a single thing I should be doing today other than clicking. Can you? ***

18 Live It or Love It:

holly said...

i remember this. and even though i miss it terribly, i love the new so much so that i wouldn't go back. that bond has changed, but only for the better. i'm not saying it's every day 100% roses and sunshine and pixies. no. but it is just wonderful and *new*. i'm not saying this very well, so i'll stop. i wouldn't change a day.

except last thursday. that sucked.

holly said...

oh crud, i knew i'd do that.

Beth said...

These same thoughts go through my head every day as well. I guess it's such a gradual process that you don't even realize you have stopped becoming their everything until it has already happened!

Enjoy those sweet moments with Sugar Bear...they will become sweet memories!

jennwa said...

I love those moments holding my children while they sleep. They look like perfect angels.
I have a lot of the same feeling as you. And I too tear up when I think about them going off on their own adventures.
Before having children I could not believe how much you could love someone. I could ramble on about this topic for ever but I won't. Just know you are not alone when you are feeling like this.

Deb - Mom of 3 Girls said...

I treasure those moments that you feel where you're almost making time stand still as you hold a sleeping or snuggling child... I look at my oldest and wonder where that little baby, that sweet toddler and precious tiny little girl went - it happens without you even realizing it. Your Sugar Bear will always know how much her mama loves her, no matter how much she grows and changes! :)

Lori- Fairytales & Margaritas said...

This scares me too. I think it's one of the reasons that I always want to have more babies. Then they won't leave me and they'll need me. I too worry about when the kids are grown up and how often they will have time for me. I am hoping that it will be often.

Nikkie said...

This scares me too Corey! I too will go scoop the kids up out of their beds when they are asleep and just sit and hold them and wonder about the future and I just hope and pray they have time for me when they grow up and that they still love spending time with me as much as I love spending time with them!!

Lis Garrett said...

I think most of us have felt like you, Corey, and it's very easy to look at a little one and wish for nothing to change. But they do grow up, and there is nothing we can do to stop it - just enjoy the moments as they happen. I will say, with quite certainty, that you will love Sugar later on just as much, although perhaps in a different way, as you do now. Occasionally Hannah will want me to hold her, which is almost impossible for me now. But instead of holding her on my lap or carrying her, I say, "Let me hold your hand." I often think about when she was a baby, 8.5 years ago, and MY GOODNESS! all the changes she has gone through. And now I have a 6 and 2.5 year old, too!! Okay, I am rambling. Just cherish the moments, but don't worry about the future. Sugar will always, always need you. When I get sad about my kids growing up, I just think about ALL the lovely grandkids I will one day have running around. ;-)

Burgh Baby's Mom said...

I had a similar moment walking around Babies 'R Us the other day. There are so many things there that we don't need anymore and just realizing that we really don't need that store anymore was depressing, to say the least. I kind of miss the chores of bottles and teething rings, the big ugly plastic toys that kept her peaceful and happy (and still!) for hours, and all the tools of baby-proofing.

Mama Zen said...

The stuff we all know - our babies will always need us, the nature of the need will just change. And, of course, that is a beautiful thing.

The stuff we all FEEL - make it stop, make it stop, don't lose that smell, that special, warm way of going limp in my arms when you fall asleep, make it STOP!

lime said...

thanks for stopping by via david's.

ah, i remember the days. mine are teenagers now. it's an entirely different game. things do change, very much. it's inevitable.

this was really quite lovely and so very honest. thank you.

Autumn said...

Well apparently my comment was eaten.. this post touched me so much that I had to re-read it and I see my comment wasn't there! What I said was.. I am crying.. because I know exactly how you feel. :)

MamaGeek said...

Wow, beautiful post Corey. I couldn't agree more or said it better myself. Time is so precious, especially now. And I love that blog banner. Her eyes are nothing short amazing.

Nola (nolanotes.com) said...

Love your new banner!

I feel the same way about my seven month old!

we are reilly said...

I just told my daughter the other day that someday she'll be too big for me to hold her (it was one of those days where ALL she wanted me to do was hold her!). Then she said, "mommy, I don't ever want to get bigger for you not to hold me". oh, you're right, I will ALWAYS be able to hold you!

Kimberly said...

Oh how I needed to read this today. Thanks for a much needed reminder!

Donetta said...

Corey, change is sometimes frightening. As we succeed at parenthood, if they are independent and able to stand on their feet without us in adult hood that we have succeeded. Independence is the goal and I know the grieving process of letting that go. If not then it becomes enmeshment and the child will never know where we stop and they begin. The gradual process is so healthy. It hurts so much less than if it happens by the force of the child tearing away for independence and self hood.

Pam said...

I want to echo what Donetta said. As hard as it is, my real goal is to produce independent people, who go on to build a healthy family of their own. However, in those precious moments (such as holding a sleeping child), you want time to just stand still so that you can hold them forever.

I have much guilt over my relationship with my own mother, and cringe at the pain I have caused her. I don't know what I could have done differently, and I hope that my daughter and I will have a better relationship when she is grown.

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