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Monday, May 19, 2008

I Need More Time......More Time To Be The Person I Want To Be

As I sat rocking my Sugar Bear before bedtime, my mind raced thinking of all the things I need to do, want to do, or just plain SHOULD do. The list is long, and to be perfectly honest, over whelming. The list of Shoulds argue with the list of Wants, and they both try to ignore the list of Needs. Sigh.....It is really quite frustrating. The most annoying part of it all, was the fact that the person I want to be....would have NOT been thinking of other things, but would have been 100% in the moment with Sugar. Time is fleeting. She will soon be too big to snuggle in close to me each night. It will happen in a blink of an eye, and I'll really wish I had savored it.

Don't get me wrong, I usually find a way to push all the mind clutter aside, and give Miss Sugar Bear my attention, but recently I have found my mind constantly wandering back to the lists. Those pesky lists. This very evening, as I was hurriedly mowing our lawn, my thoughts dwelt on those lists. While making was the lists. When sharing a bubble bath with Sugar......the lists were there. While sitting her staring at my computer......those pesky lists keep running through my head like a never ending movie reel.

Regardless of how this particular post is appearing, this isn't intended to be a means to vent. As much as these lists are annoying me, it became clear to me that I just need more time. The crazy thing about all the items on the lists is......I really WANT to do them all. Yup....I do. I want to have the time to:

-keep my house clean
-sew the three outfit ideas I have for Sugar Bear
-edit the 8463 photos sitting in my "to edit" folder.
-learn to make yeast bread.
-read the 431 books on my list of "must reads".
-keep my yard weeded.
-knit and crochet.
-read the 80- 100 blog posts in my reader each day.
-keep my blog interesting.
-spend more time outdoors.
-start a drawing journal for Sugar Bear.
-send handwritten letters to my friends and family on a regular basis.
-spend more quality time with my hubby.
-start a photography business.
-watch the 178 movies in my
Netflix queue.
-get more than 6 hours sleep a night.
-and so on.....

I WANT to do all these things. It feels as if, I could somehow manage to do all these things, I'd be closer to the person I want to be. Instead, I feels like I am constantly trying to just do what I can, and I feel sad about the others. I know I am not the only person that feels like this. There are just not enough hours in the day.

Truth be told, I only have 2 weeks left of work for the season, and then I'll have
ummmm 11 weeks off. Yes.....I what am I complaining about? Well, it is odd, but the past 12 years has proven that each summer I tend to get LESS done that when I am working. How is that possible? It appears that I work best under pressure. If I don't have time to procrastinate, then I don't. However, if there is time to do it later.....then I'll just wait.....and do it later.....much later. It drives me nuts. You'd think I'd have an ability to control it....since I know I do it and all, but NOOOOOOOO not this girl. Summer is a perfect time to NOT get things done. I mean...I have like 11 weeks and all, there is plenty of time to do it all.....later.

It is my hope that this summer will be different. I am feeling somewhat
optimistic that I will find my groove, and figure out a way to at least touch on all the things on that list. It would make me really happy. Wish me luck. Oh and forgive the typos.....I am NOT going to proof this post. It isn't on my list, it is 20 minutes past my bedtime, and sleep IS on my list. See how good I'm doing? wink wink.....

27 Live It or Love It:

kat said...

Oh Corey I love your new header. It is beautiful. As for these stupid lists, they are on my mind as well~constantly and I feel like I am missing out on important stuff, just like you.
As for the procrastination part...yeah I need the pressure to get things done as well or else I will procrastinate into eternity :)

smsinspire said...

Interesting blog..mail me the 431 books list :)..your are creative writer

AnnD said...

I think all mothers know exactly how you feel. I'm not trying to minimize what you are going through, only trying to say you are definitely not alone. Somtimes I catch myself with Emma, eyes glazed over and completely overwhelmed with the things I need to be doing....I hate not having ends tied up so sometimes I really do become anxious. I usually call for reinforcements (aka the husband or my mother) during these times. Usually if I'm that anxious, I don't think my aura is good for Emma to be around anyway and I need to just "do" something and then come back to her so I can then truly be with her. I have leanred to accept that things just don't get done with kids, they just don't. I often don't clean the toilets until I MUST (until they are getting gross), something I wouldn't have done before Emma. Our sheets don't get washed but once a month (sometimes more) and before Emma they got washed every week. Dusting....don't even get me started on dusting!

Megan@SortaCrunchy said...

Oh friend, Corey. I can SO TOTALLY relate. It's not just not getting things done - it's not being the person I want to be, that I visualize myself being. I completely get that.

:) said...

Hi Corey, I agree with the others. We all feel that way. One of the things I do with my lists is take it down to small bite sized pieces that are more manageable..maybe you could take a chunk of your bigger list and make a smaller "summer" list with action items that are do-able..for example, read one book, do 5 pages of a scrapbook, edit 10 photos each week, go to a movie with hubby, etc. I find that taking things into more manageable tasks makes it less overwhelming.

Anonymous said...

Are you reading my mind? I have been thinking about this ALOT lately. Who I want to be. Who I am. The pile of stuff I have to do. The stuff I want to do. I've decided I need to simplify in some areas so I can fit Mandy stuff into others. I don't have answers, but I am sure that many moms feel this way! ((HUGS))

Deb said...

I have some very similar lists... :)
And understand the feeling of never having the time to get everything started, much less done. I think maybe we'd all be better off with an extra 6 hours in the day. Although we'd probably still find ways to leave things for 'later' then too. :)

Autumn said...

I feel your pain. If I'm just hanging out with Bug I keep thinking of all the thousands of things I should GET DONE. If I'm doing one of those thousands of things I'm thinking I should be spending time with Bug.
Lately though, I think of when I die. I'm really not trying to be morbid. ;) There will always be things left undone. What is it that I don't want undone? I don't want my son to think of how his mom was so busy she couldn't sit and play with him... time with him is the only thing that should not be left undone. So if my laundry piles up and my garden is full of weeds, it doesn't matter. Spending time with Bug is so much more important.

Anonymous said...

You pretty much summarized exactly how I feel. I am always busy. I am always doing stuff. Even as I am doing things on "the list" I feel pressure to do them faster so I can do more. But the list of things I would like to do only grows. Late at night is really the only place I can find more time, but I know that just makes for a grumpy mommy in the morning.

Guess there is just no easy answer.

Gen said...

Oh gosh! The lists! The shoulds! Crazy-making!

I LOVE your new header!

Anonymous said...

Corey, I wish I had the answer for you!! Everything you wrote is soooo true!!

Kimberly Vanderhorst said...

It is such a struggle, isn't it? I find that when I focus on one thing on my list everything else falters. I feel like one of those performers spinning the plates, trying to keep 'em all going at once. Not easy. I have the hope that it's a skill I can learn, but I think it'll be some time before I do.

Don Mills Diva said...

Oh Corey we all feel that way - we really do. I sit with Graham and think about putting him to bed so can get things done and then when he's in bed and I could be doing them I'm feeling guilty about not making more of my time with him - it's just part of being a mother I think. I know Graham is loved and doted on and so is Sugar Bear...

And your blog IS interesting - love your new header...

Anonymous said...

Your mind might be on lists but your arms are on your Sugar... you'll never regret that.

That said, you have my best luck wishes :-)

Jo Beaufoix said...

Corey I really get this. There is so much I want to do, so much I think I should do, but the stuff I am doing doesn't feel like it's being done right either. Arghhhhh. Big hugs to you my sweet. Be kind to yourself. Add that to your list, and I will add it to mine.

Anonymous said...

Yes, sometimes I just wish we could stop time for just a couple of days so that I could catch up!

Momo Fali said...

Yep, I hear you! These are the days (okay, EVERY day) I think about my husband and his 10 brothers and sisters, and wonder HOW IN THE WORLD HIS PARENTS EVER DID IT?!!

Maude Lynn said...

Get some sleep, Corey! Trust me, all of the lists will still be there tomorrow!

Carolyn said...

Aaaagh! Once again you took the words right out of my mouth. I think we're living parallel lives. I'm constantly weighing options on which list item to work on next. Sleep usually loses out. I have no advice, just empathy. I completely know how you feel. Try not to get too frustrated and hang in there!

Anonymous said...

I can SO relate to this post. The hamster wheel in my head is seldom quiet. However, I always seem to crash a bit when I have some time. I guess from going so hard all the rest of the time. Enjoy your sleep!

Laura said...

Yep...I can relate too! I agree with what someone else said about trying to break down the lists into smaller pieces, in order to get some feeling of accomplishment. One movie a week, one book a month, etc. I have to do those things or I go crazy because the tasks just seem insurmountable!

I hope your summer is both relaxing and rewarding, my dear friend!

holly said...

me TOO!!!!

i decided to give up the 'keep my house clean' one, and the 'watching movies' one, and the 'knit and crochet' one. i have enough unfinished scarfs and plant hangings. and really, bread makers are the way to go. weeds are the new flower. is the new brown is the new black.

what you really need to do is do all these things simultaneously. that would make an interesting photo. . .

oh AND i'm going to bed early. gotta celebrate qoh's ninth tomorrow.

tommie said...

I too have a running list, I go so far as to write it down even. I love to cross things off.

If it keeps getting added to the "next days'" list, then I come to realize, it is not as important as the "important" stuff. Get over's not that important!

at the end of the day, Sugar Bear and your family are taken care of and feel loved, that is ALL that needs to be marked off every day!

Anonymous said...

Hee, hee! Great start -- who needs proof reading anyway?? :)

Best of luck to you in your eleven weeks of 'free time' ;)

John-Michael said...

As a fairly new dad for a Son with special needs, husband, corporate world achiever, community leadre, church leader, and family member, I too had those lists. And was accumulating a prodigious library of cassette tapes, videos, books, and seminar recordings to "help in sorting my lists out. I have picked up a bit of understanding since then. allow me to suggest ...

You are the emerging Corey ... not Yesterday Corey (with all of those "I have always ..., Every time I ..., I am a ..., (as though that particular behavior is something set in stone as a 'given' trait), and so on). And you are just this "Today Corey" for a moment. So, look, with me, at that "Tomorrow Corey" as you want to see her in your soon-to-be-here tomorrow. And let's ask "What would she want to have chosen to do if she could 'play the tape back' to today? And do that one thing that will make your desired "Tomorrow Corey" feel good about her "Yesterday Choice." Then, as you develop this habit of pleasing your "Tomorrow Self", you will find that your "Today Self" is satisfied in the selection of items chosen from the many each day. For they will be (more and more frequently) in keeping with Who you are choosing to become ... as you manage and direct your own responsible growth and emergence... one choice ... one day, at a time.

I adore this Today Corey ... I know that your Tomorrow Corey is going to be spectacular!

Amy said...

I can genuinely relate to what you are saying in this post! Why can't their be enough time for everything?

Enjoy your time with Sugarbear!

CMB said...

I am so with you. There are a ton of things on my lists as well. When I rock Ava to sleep I look around my bedroom at all that I need to do when I am done. Then I feel ashamed. I want that time with Ava and I should be wallowing in it. So, obviously you are NOT alone. When you get it right, can you help me?

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