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Sunday, December 23, 2007

The Best Present Of All!

I never wanted anything so badly in my life as I wanted to be a mother. Nothing felt near as important as having the chance to experience the mother/child bond. It was 8 years into my marriage that my little miracle happened.

It wasn't that I had fertility trouble....however it was just as complicated. You see, hubby was dead set against becoming a dad. He was firm....and I was floundering in the utter stuckness of loving my husband so completely, yet longing for my child. How on earth could I leave a marriage in which the love was satisfying and the bond and attachment was strong, just in hope to find a new relationship with someone who wanted to have a family? I was completely at a loss. A horrible and terrible situation.

I had resigned myself to what would be would be. I focused on being happy no matter what. Life was too short to dwell on the negative, and I wasn't going to sit around moping about what I didn't have. I threw myself into friendships, and hobbies. I tried with all my might to shove as much as I possibly could into that empty hole in my heart. At times, I felt my efforts were successful, but with each announcement of a new baby in my group of friends or family my heart ached more and more.

It was when I started to realize that I might be pregnant, that I knew life was taking me in a new direction. Sugar Bear, by all accounts, could be considered an "accident", but I like to think of her as an answered prayer. Now it wasn't easy, that is for certian, and I certainly paid a price. My relationship with Hubby will never be the same, but we are making it. We take each day at a time, and slowly but surely we will figure it all out.

Despite the struggles in my marriage, Sugar Bear has no doubt been the biggest blessing of my life. I wouldn't take back a single moment of the last several years for anything. She utterly completes me. I am satisfied with life. There is no longer a hole in my heart just waiting to be filled. Sugar is in there, and in fact, my heart is now bursting at the seams. There are days I fear it might blow right out of my chest if she says one more sweet thing.

Life is good! I've said it before....and I'll keep saying. I am Living.....and Loving EVERY minute of it! If all I ever have under my Christmas tree for the rest of my life is my sweet Sugar Bear....I will be one happy mama.

In honor of the best present I have ever received, I'd like to share some vintage Sugar bear. These were taken while trying to get the perfect shot for our 2005 Christmas card. This was Sugar Bear's first Christmas. Oh how I miss her baby fat. There is a part of me that has recently been missing the chunky little baby she used to be so much that my heart aches. I am loving how fabulous she is now at nearly 3 years old, but that doesn't mean I forget who she once was, and secretly wish I could have at least one more day to kiss those cheeks and squeeze her thighs. sigh.......

Merry Christmas, and may your blessings surround your heart this year.

16 Live It or Love It:

jennwa said...

How sweet and am very glad you got to be a Mom. There truly is no better gift.
Merry Christmas to you and your family!!!!!!!

Anonymous said...

Oh Corey, thank you for sharing such an intimate part of your life. While I can't imagine the strain of a marriage in which one person does not want to be a parent, I can appreciate the love you describe in which you feel your heart will burst. Sugar is such a beautiful and special little girl, and she is quite lucky to have you as her mama.

Lis Garrett

Anonymous said...

Merry Christmas Corey!

I do hope that despite your husband not wanting to be a dad that now he's got the role he's filling it well for Sugar Bear's sake.

Autumn said...

Oh Corey, I know how lucky you feel to have Sugar. But she is truly blessed to have a mommy that is so positive. The way you have handled yourself through everything is so admirable. You have done an outstanding job. I admire your strength of character and your love and devotion to Sugar. Big Hugs to you. I hope you and your family have a wonderful Christmas.

Laura said...

Oh my...*sigh* Even though I knew this story already, I got all teary reading about it again. What an amazing, miraculous blessing, indeed! My heart is fuller just reading about how full yours is!

Tons of hugs and love to you and Sugar this Christmas!

Michelle said...

thank you for your honesty in sharing such a personal aspect of your life and marriage. You are truly blessed with Sugar Bear and she is oh so adorable! I love the portraits you take of her!

Merry Christmas!

Julie said...

Such precious pictures today. I also enjoyed reading about the joy mommyhood brings you. I trust you'll enjoy this Christmas holiday with those you love. Merry Christmas!

Lindy said...

So sweet *sigh*! I just love Sugar Bear - vintage or otherwise : ) Hope you have a Merry Christmas Corey!

Maude Lynn said...

Such sweet pictures! I'm so glad that you got to be a Mom!

Donetta said...

I so understand that loning. I was married 16 years! When at last I went out and got a carreer that my husband came to me and said "The girls in China are being killed...Lets go get one. I wound up in Russia but that was such an amazing gift. At 20 years our son was adopted. My beloved was not too confident but now he would of had it no other way. He grieves those selfish years and has the deepest respect for me for the understanding and patience I had with him. It is a sacrifice to raise children. Immaturity is a hard battle to fight. It is doable

Pam said...

Those are sweet pictures, and sweet sentiments. Children really are such a blessing to our lives. Merry Christmas!

holly said...

i know what you mean. m2 is becoming less jiggly and i make sure i squeeze him now while i can.

but as for turning 3... my *favorite* age with m1 was when she was becoming 4. this next year is going to be so great for you.

the rotten correspondent said...

My kids all looked like the Michelin Man when they were babies. I look at them now, so tall and lean, and miss those days terribly.

It is funny how life works out sometimes, isn't it? I hope your husband found himself happy with the way things turned out, and that the price you pay in your marriage is a managable one.

Anonymous said...

Children are a great blessing. It is so obvious how much you love and adore Sugar. She is lucky to be so loved.

Deb said...

Oh what a very sweet Sugar she was even as a little chubby baby girl! She has really grown so much since these photos.

Seeing how much love you have to give to your daughter and how much joy she brings to your life, I am so happy for you that she came into your life. Children are such a blessing and a joy and I hope that your hubby knows how very lucky he is to have both of you. :)

Anonymous said...

wow. I feel like I know you know. At least I know the passion behind your blog title. how brave to open yourself up so completely- i followed the link here from ttiny's and it makes it so much sweeter of a gift, knowing that he is trying to be the best dad he can. god bless you and yours.

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